Ok, so here’s the thing; I never make text blog posts. Ever. Don’t ask me why, I just don’t. But now is different, because I literally feel like I have no one to tell this to at the moment, and when the moment passes, it won’t matter anymore. If I can just get it out, then I can stop thinking about it and stop crying and being fucking pathetic about it. 

The last time I was this homesick was on my birthday, when all I wanted to do was be at home with my family. I’ve never really admitted that. On my 19th birthday, I spent the majority of the day feeling like shit and after I got off the phone with my mom, I bawled because I just wanted to be home. 

It’s basically the same feeling now, but a little worse. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if this weekend wasn’t May Long. Don’t get me wrong, I have wonderful friends here in Vancouver, but it’s not like I wanted to spend my summer here, going to school, when I could be partying with my Alberta friends. I’m so grateful for my Vancouver friends, but most of them have gone home for the summer, and those who haven’t are most likely sleeping and I can’t talk to them. Also, I can’t talk to my other friends because they’re all wasted as fuck and wouldn’t be able to give me any comfort in their inebriated states. And who wants another reminder of how much fun this weekend is, without me? Not me. 

I’m allowed to bitch and I’m allowed to fucking complain because it’s not my fucking fault that I failed this fucking class. I tried. I studied harder for this class harder than anything else in my life, even my diploma’s, which pretty much determined my entire university career. I spent at least 15 hours studying for one test, getting extra help and doing practice questions, and it still wasn’t enough. I still failed. I don’t understand how someone could try so hard for one thing, put so much energy into one thing, and still fail. So no, people don’t get to tell me that it’s my own fucking fault that I didn’t pass, because I literally don’t know what else I could have done. 

Hence, the reason why I’m stuck in Raincouver (it has been raining basically all week, by the way). I honestly don’t want to be here, and I keep trying to tell myself that in three years when I’m graduated and will actually have a job waiting for me, somewhere out there, it will all be worth it, but right now, I’m not so sure. I wish I could have done better and I wish that my efforts had payed off, but they didn’t. All I want to do is go home, sleep in my own bed, cuddle with my cat and see my family. I feel so alone here, even though I have roommates and a few of my friends are still around. I think the worst part of it all is the fact that I actually busted my ass to try and avoid this situation, it’s not like I sat around and did shit all throughout the entire semester, like some people.  Honestly, I just want to go home. 

It’s been one week. All I have to do is get through 5 more, and try not to think about all the things I’m missing out on, or have already missed out on already.